One Year…Like Whoa

5 Jan

This past Monday Ilker and I celebrated our one year anniversary.  It was a mostly uneventful day, as Ilker is studying for a very important exam this weekend.  So we postponed most anniversary celebrations until a later day.  I did make salmon for dinner-which was an event-but not really a notable one.

Our first year was a big one.  We took our first plane ride together, visit our first tourist attraction together, became an aunt and uncle to our first nephew, we made our first really big life decision together and decided to move back to the south, we were separated by an ocean for the first time as a married couple, we started a new home together in a new place.  Whew, that really seems like a lot!

Throughout our engagement I was frequently warned that the first year is the hardest.  And you know what-they were right.  I don’t know w

hat it is about actually being married that changes things…but it changes things.  Even though Ilker and I had lived together for almost a year-it was like learning to live with someone all over again!  {I should add here-mom you were right!}  But here’s the thing.  When I look back at our first year and the struggles and arguments, I can now see that many of them were a result of myself adjusting to the role of wife.

Never in a million

years would I have thought that would be a difficult adjustment for me.  I am sort of a natural caregiver and nurturer.  I enjoy taking care of people, cooking for people, and being there for people-especially when that “people” is the love of my life-and someone who can still make me lose my breath for a second just by looking at me.  But, I found that once I became a wife-I struggled with this role, and what it meant to me and how I identified with it, and how I could translate that into something that worked in our new family.  And it wasn’t easy.

I found that on the one hand, I wanted to continue what I was already doing.  On another hand, I wanted to be super-woman and take care of all the cooking and cleaning, to provide for my husband completely-so that all he had to do was study.  However, on another hand, the feminist side of me would kick in and I would wonder why I had to be the one to do these things.  I would begin to resent him because he was “making” me do them-even though I worked a 40 hour week and was going to school as well.

Please realize Ilker never made me do anything-it was just all a part of this jumbled mess of an understanding of my role as a wife.

Am I making sense?

I hope so.  But here’s the thing.  Im still not sure that I have it figured out.  I still fluctuate between my idea of what that role should be-though it is less drastic, and less likely to cause a knock-down drag-out…but I am still not sure where I feel like I stand.  However, now, after year one, I am pretty sure that part of the fun is figuring that all out.


So, for all of you out there in the interwebs.  Did you suffer from something similar in the beginning years of your marriage, or any kind of relationship?  Any further words of wisdom?


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